Becoming the Parent of the Parent

All through my life, I've had my parents. They've raised me, watched me grow, have a child, and move into the phases of my life. My father passed away in 2003 after battling pancreatic cancer. This was tough and for the first time in my life I became the parent to my parents. I helped my mother make the decisions and, in turn, I took the time to take care of my father. I would leave my house at 5am for the hospice center, bathe him, help brush his teeth, feed him, brush his hair, etc. I helped my mother with this transition and started watching over her too.

Mom is now 80. Her balance isn't the greatest and neither is her memory. Her MS is working on her neurological issues. She still drives but only in and around the local area. She's not at the point of taking care of her but I've had to start checking in on her, make sure she eats, take her pills, etc. But lately I've noticed changes in her personality, her memory isn't the greatest and sometimes has a hard time remember everyday things. I worry about her being alone but she refuses to have a device in case she falls. She want's to be independent but yet, I fell it's important I'm there help her.

It's not easy being the adult here. When you become the parent of your parent so many things come into your head like all your childhood thoughts come back to haunt you. Here you're dealing with someone who raised you and all of a sudden you're thrust into a role of caring for them.

In an article in Psychology Today, Dr. Tamara Greenburg says,

When a parent becomes ill everything from our own childhoods, which we thought we had put to rest, can come back to haunt us. This is especially true when taking care of children at home. In the midst of our own vibrant lives we get reminded of the limits of our own upbringing. If we did not have an ideal (or good enough childhood) anger and resentment can take the stage. When this is the case, it is pretty tough to take care of everyone who may need us.

I'm not angry but I sure am frustrated. If you try to help, the parent gets angry because you're taking away from their independence. I'm finding ways of getting past this while helping her in ways she doesn't know. For example, if you're on your parents health power of attorney, you can let them go to the doctor themselves, but follow up with the doctor on the visit. You don't need to be at the bank to see what they have (if you have financial power of attorney), but you can go online to double check their transactions so they're doing ok. Small things.

Mom still frustrates me and I know the time will come soon enough where she will need care. I'm not sure if I'm ready for that but who ever is? Greenburg goes on to say,

Taking care of an aging parent can throw us into multiple versions of ourselves. We can feel like an infant, child, and parent all at the same time. Although parenting requires people to deal with how dependent they were as kids, taking care of an adult parent puts this dilemma in the forefront. It can seem like there is no room for us to feel like a grown up and a kid, but this is exactly what is required of us. When parents are ill and elderly, we have to manage a number of disjointed and seemingly contradictory feelings and identities.

So the lessons continue...