Depression

There's a big difference between being sad and being depressed. I suffered with depression for many many years. Here's my attempt at what depression feels like: it feels like anvils all over your body holding you down, you feel pain within every ounce of your body down to the cells, your brain can't see true happiness because you're wallowing in so much sadness. The doctor put me on Paxil. I was on Paxil for 21 years. On Paxil you feel better but you're on autopilot all the time. Your emotions fall to the wayside and you don't feel things or show any emotions. But wait, they also put me on Ativan too! A narcotic that helps with anxiety. What was I thinking?

So what did I do? In August 2012, I felt strong from doing yoga daily and meditation twice a day (more on meditation in future postings). I talked it over with my doctor and decided to go off Paxil and Ativan. I knew it was going to be hard and being the dork that I am I bought a book on how to do it. It's imperative you do it slow. I took me three months. I now know what drug addicts go through with withdrawal; felt every nerve ending and muscle in my body awaken. During this time, I was talking with my friend Teri who works with a psychologist who does neurofeedback (more on that on later postings too). I explained to her what I was doing and she said this would be great to help with withdrawal (thank God!!). I immediately made an appointment with Dr. Tom Fink (http://www.acornhealth.com/). I started off going twice a week being hooked up to a computer and forced to play games I didn't know how the hell to play. These were games you had no idea what you were doing because your brain was in charge; not thought. I would leave there crying because I thought I was failing at these games, but I wasn't. My brain was learning and getting stronger. You see, Paxil weakens the parts of the brain that cause the depression making it even hard to bounce back. A year and a half later, I'm strong mentally! It seems like for the first time I can feel things emotionally. From happy, to sad, I want to feel it all and experience it.

Here's where I have a problem with today's modern medicine. We go into the doctor to be fixed only to have a piece of tape put on the problem instead of looking at this holistically. Depression can be fixed by meditation, neurofeedback, acupuncture, yoga. Why do we, as a society, look for the quick fix? Nothing can be fixed quickly. Great things take time. Embrace your mental health. You don't have to live in sadness and pills all the time. Take it from me. There are ways to make it better.